Dirty Banana Pants

July 3, 2008, my grandmother, Norma, the mother of my mother passed away.  I wasn’t close with her, in fact, I hadn’t spoken to her in over 10 years.  She wasn’t known for her kindness, at least not to her immediate family, and she wasn’t known for her tact.  She was from Mississippi and spoke with a drawl.  I remember we used to ask her to say ‘Dairy Queen’ because when she said it, it came out as “DaiR - E Queen”.

Her specialty was Banana Yum-Yum, which was banana pudding with sliced bananas and vanilla wafers.  If she knew we were coming to town, she would make enough to fill a 10-gallon barrel.  Although, I would guess that if you made a surprise visit, she’d probably have some on hand for emergencies.  This was fed as dessert and between meal snacks.  No one ever left her house hungry….ever.  By the time we would head home, my brothers and I couldn’t eat or look at anything banana-ish for at least a month or two.

The other treat she gave us, was a cup of fruit loops.  Not just for breakfast, but also for a between meal snack.  It’s a wonder we didn’t all develop diabetes during our visits to her house.

She was always worried about my dating life, or lack thereof, when I was younger.  After all, my two whore cousins managed to have boyfriends through highschool…why, even one of them became pregnant during bootcamp with the National Guard.  In fact, she had so many boyfriends, she didn’t know who the father of her child was, exactly. 

While at her house one day, she sat with her sister and my mother.  She looked at me and asked, “Christy…are you datin’ anybody?”  I thought long and hard about what I would say to her and I replied, “No Granny.  Didn’t Mom tell you?  I’m gay.”  I received the look of death.  I thought I was hilarious and laughed hysterically.  She then turned to my mother and said, “Patricia.  She’s just not very domestic, is she?”

I used to joke that I could come home one day, having found the cure for Cancer, holding my Nobel Peace Prize in one hand, and showing my grandparents how well I had done.  They only thing my grandmother would ask me at that point would be: “Christy, are you married?  Do you have any prospects?”  And if I replied, “No.”  I would have been deemed a failure.  Thank God for thick skin.

She used to call my mother’s house from time to time.  When anyone would answer the phone the first thing she would say is, “Were you sleeping?”  Didn’t matter if it was 10 o’clock in the morning or 2 o’clock in the afternoon.  She assumed that all we did was lay around and sleep.  I guess since I wasn’t dating anyone I must have been sleeping.  I don’t know what my brothers’ excuses were.

Several years ago when I was about 7 or 8 years old, my grandmother, grandfather and 2 whore cousins came to visit our family in Wyoming.  We walked through a store and they had some of the 2 for $1 bags of candy.  My grandmother gave us kids exactly $1 and walked outside to wait for us.  I remember thinking that we didn’t have enough money because she hadn’t accounted for sales tax.  Sure enough, the cashier rang us up and we were 4 cents short.  My cousin ran outside to get the extra 4 cents.  Meanwhile, a woman in line behind me felt sorry for me and coughed up the additional 4 cents so I could be on my way.  When I walked outside to join my cousins and grandmother, she began ranting about how stupid the Yankees were…etc, etc.  This gigantic man, overhearing her, shouted “Well, you Southerners aren’t much better!” Fearing for our lives, I prayed that my grandmother would just keep her mouth shut….but in true form, she yelled back…with a THICK Southern accent “I ain’t no Southerner!”  Classic.

She was never afraid to speak her mind, even if she was totally off base.  She was banned from a few different business in the town where she lived because of her unruly behavior.  I always felt sorry for anyone that sold her anything.  If it broke down….God help them.

While I didn’t have much of a relationship with her, I am thankful that she was here.  She gave me my Mother.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that people are put in your life for a reason, regardless of how long or brief that may be.  My Mother learned, from my Grandmother, what kind of person not to be and used that to love and care for her own children. 

She understands the pain of not having a mother and has always made sure that my brothers and I have had one.  Where her Mother didn’t cherish the things she did for her, my Mother has been nothing but gracious about the gifts her children have given to her.  Where my Grandmother has been selfish, my Mother has been extremely generous, teaching her children to give to others in need.  My Mother has had a positive impact on many peoples lives and I believe that is a direct result of the treatment she received from her own Mother.  While I cannot say that I ever loved my Grandmother, I do recognize what she has done for me and will always be grateful for that gift.

And with that, I raise my cup of fruit loops and toast Norma.  I hope God has braced Himself for your arrival.