Going to the chapel…maybe
I have a good track record of never being in a wedding. I’ve attended a few, but have never actually been in one. I have been asked, and each time the wedding was called off. I consider myself to be a wedding jinx. The only wedding I was asked to be in…and I use that loosely, because I was the sister of the groom and was asked to be the person who monitors the guest book. I mulled over the lousy offer for a few days and called my brother back to inform him that I would like very much to not be the guest book person. He was pissed. His bride was pissed.
They are now divorced. I don’t think my jinx had anything to do with this one. I think the problem was that the bride was a lying whore. Usually not the type of girl that you want to marry. At least, that’s what I’ve read.
A few months ago my friend, Ramona, whom I’ve known since I was 10 years old, called me and asked me to be her matron of honor. Our other friend, Karla, whom I’ve known since I was 12, is going to be the maid of honor. While I am excited about her getting married…or maybe shocked that someone wants to marry her…(she’s kind of wild) I’m not so excited about being a matron of honor.
First, the word ‘matron’ sounds old. I looked up the webster’s dictionary definition:
1. a married woman, esp. one who is mature and staid or dignified and has an established social position.
If this definition is true, I am WAY underqualified for this job. Unless you consider a mature woman someone who has taught her kids to chug juice and belch and call farts “shrek kisses.” As far as an established social position, this is just plain laughable…it’s established, all right…at the very bottom of the social ladder.
2. a woman who has charge of the domestic affairs of a hospital, prison, or other institution.
I don’t think anyone would ever want me to be in charge of an institution…..now, if they are looking for someone who has spent time in an institution…then, hey, I may be their cup of tea.
3. a woman serving as a guard, warden, or attendant for women or girls, as in a prison.
This last definition thinks maybe this might having something to do with the night of the bachelorette party. Maybe I’m supposed to guard the women and make sure they don’t end up in prison? If that’s the case, that is way too much responsibility for me. I did find out that I don’t have to really do anything but show up and maybe help decorate a bit. Again, really, she should pick someone else. When I lived alone, I had a life-size cardboard cut-out of Michael Jordan in my living room. I hung my little duster on the wall in the living room where the previous owner left a nail. I would prefer to have astroturf vs. grass…why? Because it never has to be mowed…or watered. Me? Decorate? I just hope I have explicit instructions, because if they leave me to my own devices, they might be getting married underneath a ring of glued macaroni and toilet paper rolls.
